I hate where this is going...it seems to just drag on the inevitable.
I feel empty with a hole grinding in my chest worse then the day that I had to go to the hospital. I know that there is not much I can do but wait, and you say that you want to see me happy, but how am I suppose to be happy about waiting for something to happen.
I used the analogy that its like learning you have cancer and you just want to know if there is a cure or not. Either way I am still gunna be hurt. Even if you come back, even if you still want me, even if you decide that you would like to spend your life with me it will still not be the same. Because you had to find out if you did. Twice this has happend, one with a price that can never be paid back, I just hope another price will not have to be added on to the tab. The summer will be long and hard to conquer this year. I will keep myself busy but for how long, how long before I start thinking about it again, how long before I just say fuck it I give up. Why is this choice so damn hard to figure out, yes or no, why does it have to be I don't know or why does it have to be I need to find out. Or worse why does it need time to be figured out. Love should not have to take this much time, I don't understand why I have to wait,why why why why!!!!! What is the reason for not wanting to cry over this. Two and a half years, so many memories, so much fun, so many things to be happy about, our first Valantines day, so many vacations together, Europe where we spent our time avoiding everyone and trying to blend in while trying to find edible food...the list goes on. But......you still have to figure it out. I don't understand how in two months your heart can change. Especially when six months ago you were ready for marriage. six months ago you wish that I could have proposed to you under the stars on the front of the boat, six months ago you said I love you and you meant it with all of your heart...six months ago when I still believed you. I know you mean well, I know you want us to be on even ground or whatever, but no matter what you say and do, your decision affects my life, all of it. Not just my social, not just my love life, my life. I decided to stay in Mississippi, because of you, I wanted us to be together. Yes its my fault for dragging us out there, but its still because of you that we are still there. I would gladly come home to Texas if I knew what was going on...but I am staying for you. I guess at this point it will be more so I will be there for whomever...from the way things are looking I will be there for myself. Myself which until just now has felt worthless. useless to everything except being myself. I was happy, knowing that the woman I loved, loved me too, and was just patiently waiting for me to come up with money to propose properly, who was waiting patiently cause she knew the right time would be at a later time, who knew that if she would still love me I would still marry her even after all that has happened, and wish I could have done so earlier so that I wouldn't have to go through this. I just wish that she would understand this. I wish that I could understand this. I think about lots of things lately especially on my walks. Thinking that I need to get out to loose weight for myself I push myself till I almost pass out. Last night I walked to my old house and sat in the front lawn. I layed down and wished that alot of my life could have been brought back and reversed and I could have made better choices along the way. I shunned my friends off after highschool, and blew them off because I wanted to spend time with her. but was that worth it. was it. at this point I still don't know. I just wish that I could have made better choices with my friends. I wish I could have done more. I wish that I could have been there for more people. I wish I would have given more space to some of my friends when I kept pushing for things I knew were impossible. It is because of the way I am it is me. It always has been. am I too emotional or just so full of stress all the time that it just seems that way. Or am I just thinking too far into things. who knows
I was told to write poetry when I was depressed. I don't think that would have helped. Even if I did it would have only been in anger. It would have been dark, almost suicidal, and that is not the kind of person I want to be known as. I want people to see me as a fun loving guy who is just looking to better himself raise a family and live happily until my last breath takes me to a place that I am uncertain of, afraid of, scared to even think about it. Why cause I am curious, curious of where I will go, what will happen to me or even if I will know it happened. I hope that I die quickly while sleeping or shot from behind in the head not seeing it happen. I don't want to feel pain when I die. my only request that I will have at the gates of where ever I go heaven...hell...limbo where ever I wish that I can go back to view my funeral, to observe those who care about me, to see every last face of every person who ever cared for me, love me, thought about me. I want to replay my life and see the things that I missed out on, see what life would have been like if I made other choices in my life, or more so what effect on life would have happened if I never came into this world. I wonder what she is thinking about right now. how she feels, if she is reading this what she is will do after this, what her thoughts will be. I wonder if this is just a dream that I haven't woken from yet, God if it is pull me out and let me know that my life is better then this, let me know everything is alright. Explain to me what is going on and why this is happening. I know this can't be a dream. My heart wouldn't be hurting me right now if I were. I don't know what to tell her, I don't know how to tell her that this upsets me that I am scared as to what is going to happen if she says no, if she says that I don't want to be with you any more that I don't love you. what should I do, what should I think. I can't kill myself that would be selfish, I can't hurt myself and put me in the hospital again, that would cause more problems, and then still be called selfish to my face. am I wrecklace, am I being too rash, oh my god I'm not breathing...breath Josh breath. take a breath damn it god damn it josh take a breath this is not fucking rocket science. .... I can't let myself go on like this, I have to do something. Maybe mere will have something inspirational to say, I am afraid to call Justin I think he hates me...I wouldn't blame him especially after all the times I have blown him off. Maybe thats why he chose zach to be his best man. or at least maybe the real reason, and not the reason he told me. damnit your such and asshole...why do I keep doing that to people...I am not a hermit, I am not someone who needs to be comfortable locked up in his room all day I love being around people...but damn short of small talk I can't seem to express myself anymore. I can't seem to amuse and and entertain people...I have lost my wit....hey maybe that is why she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I can't entertain her. I'm not funny anymore, or at least as funny when we first met...damn that feels like such a long time ago now....maybe its just the summer time blues I keep hearing about...or maybe my life just hit rock bottom and I just haven't found a way to pull myself up yet




















maybe its just her getting to me





















































































































i feel so alone now...